What if My Guru Asks Me for Sex?

"As the purpose of this book is to ask questions and consider how they might be addressed from as many different angles as possible, ask yourself, what would you do if your guru asked you for sex? Over the years, I have noticed how unfairly we judge both male and female students who express a sexual interest in a lama. Gurus are regularly approached for sex directly, suggestively, provocatively or flirtatiously, in letters, on social media, or even in videos. Whatever the route, the student is generally condemned as being mad, not just by the lama but also by the lama’s attendants and the entire sangha – mad, mentally unbalanced, crazy and possibly sex-starved. Yet, when the guru expresses a sexual interest in a student, the sangha’s reaction is quite different. The guru is not condemned as being crazy or sex-starved, far from it. His sexual interest is, in fact, a shower of blessings. What an honour for the fortunate object of his desire! This is very unfair. Students should be able to express themselves honestly to the guru, and the guru should be courageous and compassionate enough to deal with anything a student has to say to him. As far as the Vajrayana is concerned, it is completely unacceptable for women to be stigmatised, shunned, mocked and categorized as crazy just because they make a play for a guru. What if a homosexual guru is approached by a woman who wants to have sex? If the guru is a monk, he can tell her that as a monk he is celibate. If he is not a monk, he should explain to the woman that he is not heterosexual. Such conversations require both parties to be truthful and honest – and human. If the homosexual tantric master is good at his job, he knows that to reject the woman’s advances will have consequences. If she were to turn her back on the Dharma as a result of his rejection, the Vajrayana would hold the guru responsible. What should the guru do? All Vajrayana gurus must be able to handle this kind of situation. Few of today’s gurus even think of emulating the nun Subhā – the Tibetans know her as Utpala – who was so beautiful that a man became inflamed with lust and wouldn’t leave her alone. Exasperated by his obsessive behaviour, Subhā asked what it was about her that attracted him. Your beautiful eyes, he replied. So she plucked one out and gave it to him. His lust was instantly quenched, and he finally stopped harassing her. And when Subhā next visited the Buddha, her eye was miraculously restored. An exemplary Bhutanese nun I know had a similar experience. A man was so infatuated with her that he became violently jealous whenever she talked to other men and was devastated when she refused to sleep with him on the grounds that she was a nun. His obvious passion for her cost him his business and his family. Yet they remained friends for life and she was able to introduce him to some very good lamas. How compassionate is that! I have always admired how she dealt with that man. As things turned out, he became her lifetime project. Some very profound Vajrayana teachings explain how to use sexual desire and the sexual act as the path. Quite a few people think this practice can only be done with the guru. It’s not true. It can be done with anyone with the same understanding and appreciation for the path that you have, and the same ultimate goal. Why do there continue to be so many misconceptions, misinterpretations and speculations about the Vajrayana, tantra and sex? Buddhism does not think of sex as a ‘sinful’ act. Sexual misconduct is what Buddhists call a ‘non-virtue’. ‘Non-virtue’ has not yet been listed in the OED, but I think translators coined it because ‘sinful’ doesn’t make sense in a Buddhist context. The sex act itself is neither virtuous nor non-virtuous, but as it arises out of desire and craving, it can easily distract, overpower and entangle us. Sexual desire may well be the most powerfully numbing of all our desires. It also ties us in complicated knots that are difficult to undo. Long before Freud suggested that we are motivated by our unconscious desires – for sex or food or whatever – the Buddha explained that the realm in which we human beings live is known as the ‘realm of desire’. But the point here is, just because an activity has the potential to trigger obsessiveness, it is not automatically ‘non-virtuous’. If it were, eating ice cream would be a non-virtuous activity. In Mahayana Buddhism, bodhisattvas (those who aim to help others) are forbidden to act motivated by a vicious mind, a harmful mind or a wrong view. Other than that, if an action will save or benefit another sentient being, you are encouraged to do it. As desire is the predominant human emotion, the wisdom of Vajrayana Buddhism includes teachings on how to use emotion as the path. The teachings on how to use sex as the path belong to the highest, most glorious and venerated of Vajrayana paths. But remember, no matter which method you use.